My 2013

2013 mungkin bukan tahun terbaik gw.

2013 gw rasa gw sedikit buang waktu di tahun ini.

2013 gw pikir gw harusnya bisa hidup lebih baik di tahun ini.

2013 gw terlalu banyak buang waktu gw untuk berpikir, berpikir terlalu keras sampai ketinggalan waktu. 

2013 gw merasa kurang berguna. Ada tersirat sedikit rasa menyesal, karena tidak memanfaatkan waktu yang ada.

2013 manajemen waktu gw sangat kacau. Setidaknya buat gw.

2013 gw merasa gw tidak hidup maksimal seperti tahun-tahun lalu atau mungkin tidak se-drama tahun lalu? bisa jadi juga.

Tapi ...


Walaupun tidak banyak kejadian mengagumkan di tahun 2013, ada beberapa hal yang tidak akan terjadi kalau bukan campur tangan Tuhan :)

:: Tahu ga, bokap gw sudah mau ke gereja tahun 2013? iya, gw pun tercengang ketika dengar ini dari nyokap. Tercengang tidak percaya campur senang. Sudah mau ikut ibadah keluarga besar, benar-benar ikut doa kalo kita doa (biasanya cuma gaya aja hehehe). Akhirnya.

:: Akhirnya gw bisa dapat apa yang gw mau dari 2 tahun lalu, walaupun cuma sampai situ, ga kemana-mana lagi. Cuma, kalau bukan kerjaan Dia, ga mungkin bisa.

:: Akhirnya gw bisa kerja di kantor yang liburannya banyak, kerjanya memang ga santai, tapi ya liburannya banyak, jam kerja tetap, no over-time, ketemu anak kecil tiap hari.

:: Tahun ini juga gw bisa melakukan keinginan tiap tahun gw: at least once a year visit the place you've never been to.

:: Berat badan normal! pipi agak tirus (baca: makin cantik)

:: Akhirnya dengan segala kekuatan, membuang segala gengsi dan kekerasan hati, gw bisa bilang "I love you" ke bokap :) okay, akan berusaha terus untuk bisa bilang ini regularly.



2014, please let me be the best version of Agnes Paredandan.

Live The Life You Can Afford

"Live The Life You Can Afford"

Pas baca quote di atas, gw langsung teringat teman gw. Waktu itu dia cerita keuangan keluarga dia yang sedang dalam kondisi tidak baik, banyak hutang dan sebagainya, pokoknya sedang susah kondisi keuangannya, jadi dia mesti hemat-hemat. Lalu gw dapati dia baru beli polo-shirt dengan harga di atas 1 juta rupiah. Bukan, bukannya dia bohong kalo keluarga lagi susah, karena gw tahu pasti memang benar keluarganya lagi susah. Hal ini tentu membuat gw berpikir, "kok bisa lagi keadaan kaya gitu, dia malah beli baju dengan harga segitu?" / "kok bisa tetep beli baju mahal kalo keadaan keuangan keluarga lagi gak baik?"

Hal-hal seperti di atas, belakangan ini sering kepikiran sama gw. Kenapa? karena sering gw lihat orang-orang disekitar gw, dengan umur 22-25 tahun, gaji kurang lebih 5 jutaan/bulan, bisa nge-gym, bisa sering makan di restoran, gadget terbaru, nongkrong, rokok, naik mobil ke mana-mana (bensinnya), beli branded stuffs, liburan tiap tahun dan sebagainya. Melihat itu membuat gw berpikir, "can they really afford the lifestyle they lived?". Maksud gw, udah umur 22 tahun harusnya, mereka sudah tidak bergantung lagi dengan uang dari orang tua, dengan gaji sebesar itu dan gaya hidup seperti itu, apakah mereka masih menyisihkan uang untuk menabung/investasi? Menurut perhitungan gw sih (kalau tidak punya pekerjaan sampingan), ya bisa memang, tapi sisanya sedikit untuk menabung/investasi. Lalu kalau ada hal-hal tak terduga, biayanya gimana?

atau contoh lain yang ditulis @mrshananto, pembantu dia, gajinya 20 ribu/hari, bisa kasi uang jajan ke anaknya 10 ribu/hari, dengan alasan, nanti anaknya nangis.

contoh lain lagi dari @mrshananto, ada seorang ibu, punya anak 2: SD dan TK, bisa liburan 2x setahun ke luar negeri, dan sekarang ingin beli mobil baru. Gaji dia perbulan memang besar, tapi gak sebanding dengan pengeluarannya. Ketika ditanya punya tabungan berapa? ada 5 juta + 40 juta deposito.

"Sweetie…dengan lo mencairkan deposito pun, utang kartu kredit lo belum ketutup lho! Terus bayar TK nya si adik tahun depan dari mana? KTA belum lunas. Terus beli mobil mau bayar pake apa?”

"...."

"how long has this been going on? 2 years?”

“More… 9 years Win… "

“You cannot afford this!”

***

My point is, let us be honest to ourself, did we live the life we can afford? apakah benar gw mampu untuk punya gadget terbaru? apakah gw mampu untuk rokok 1 bungkus/hari? apakah gw mampu untuk beli tas ini? apakah gw mampu untuk beli 1 baju/perbulan demi kebutuhan penampilan? apakah gw mampu untuk gym di sini? apakah gw mampu untuk 1 gelas kopi di Starbucks setiap hari? apakah gw mampu untuk lifestyle seperti ini? apakah dengan gaya hidup seperti ini terus gw masi bisa nabung untuk investasi masa depan? Jangan-jangan gara-gara gengsi atau terbiasa hidup enak sebelumnya lalu kita lupa hal ini. 

Let us be honest to our self, can we really afford the life we lived now? #selfreminder Think twice before spending.

The Bucket List

One day, if you die, what do you want others remember about you? If you ask me, I'll say, I want to die if I have accomplished my purpose here in this life, I don't care when it will come, It can be 5 years from now, It can be 20 years later, as long as I have accomplished what God wants me to do, I am ready.

Most people rush in life, not gaining much and leaving no marks. Life is short and the world goes on without you, even when you're gone. However, you have a mission in life; what is most important is that you choose to find out and move towards the answers.

Oxford Dictionary

For me, the bucket list is tons of random things I want to do in my life, even the most naive things. I believe everyone has this list in their head, write them, so you know where you are now and what you have to do. So here is what I want to do during my only precious life (some of them are accomplished):

1. Have my picture/my story published in newspaper
2. Eat snow
3. Go to America
4. Sit under the cherry blossom in Japan
5. Say "I love you" to Dad
6. Own a property
7. Kiss my lifetime partner on new year's eve in Sydney
8. Have a library at home
9. Go to Gili Trawangan
10. Have a longlife friendship
11. Own a Mini Cooper
12. Ride halilintar at Dufan
13. Save a life
14. Be guest on TV show
15. Be on the top of Mahameru
16. Learn to swim
17. Have a pixie hairstyle
18. Go to Japan
19. Go on helicopter ride
20. Be a volunteer to outside Java
21. Shake hands with president
22. Do a bungee jumping (seriously ness? err..yes)
23. Participate a running race
24. Make a time capsule with best friends
25. Stay in an igloo
26. Donate something to needy kids
27. See an eclipse
28. Win a quiz
29. Speak in front of 10.000 people
30. Attend my sunday school student's wedding
31. Go on spontaneous trip
32. Own a boutique
33. Have a blog with millon readers
34. Give a CPR to someone and it worked
35. Play giutar
36. Be on 43kg
38. Read the whole bible
39. Learn pole dancing
40. Fire a gun
41. Get drunk
42. Die with big smile on my face
43. Visit a castle
44. Have a meaningful conversation with stranger
45. Eat alone in a fancy restaurant
46. Buy a diamond for myself
47. Own a garden
48. Go on Hot Air Balloon in Cappadocia
49. Sew something wearable
50. Go on a cruise
51. Always think before speak
52. Walk my talk
53. Blood donors
54. Find something that I never give up on
55. Get hypnotized
56. Inspire people
57. Spend a whole day by myself
58. Own a worldwide company
59. Sail a yatch
60. Drive a bus/truck
61. Dance in the rain
62. Eat McD/KFC chicken without guilty feeling
63. Wake up peacefully at 6AM in the morning
64. Fast for a month
65. Go on a trip alone
66. Wear bikini confidently :p
67. Donate an organ when I die
68. Make a business with sister or brothers
69. Be a wife
70. Receive a fan letter
71. Have a family picnic
72. Go on a mission trip
73. Visit Prague
74. Visit Santorini
75. Visit Disneyland
76. Try monkey brain cake/dessert
77. Be a survivor
78. Passionately kiss in the rain
79. Have sex in our own backyard
80. Go on a budget traveling with lifetime partner
81. Have a pair of Louboutin shoes
82. Have a Chanel bag
83. Solo traveling
84. Hear God's voice
85. Sleep under the stars
86. Teach something in a rural place
87. Bring my family to Europe
88. Live a faithfulness life till the end
89. Attend the independence ceremony at Istana Negara
90. Plant a tree
91. Delete my Facebook account
92. Be the cover of magazine
93. Hug a dog
94. Be at Shangri-La Hotel at Paris
95. Pick a fruit from the tree and make something
96. Lead someone to Christ
97. Do archery
98. Ride a horse well
99. Be the audience of The Oprah Winfrey Show
100. Meet Daniel Henney
101. Look 5 years younger than my real age
102. Try a make up class
103. Go to movies all by myself
104. Be a vegetarian
105. Be a great mom

More Brighter Year

Before this year ends, i would like to say that this year has been really really a good year for me. I learned so much things, that i can't tell every details here, but here is 3 things I learned and experienced in 2012:

♥ When you want something so bad, go get it, work for it, do the best to get it. Coz if you don't, you can never have it. But if you do, at least you get a chance to have it. There's one thing i really really want this year, at first i was not sure if i can have it, i was afraid to go for it, too afraid. Then i thought "if i don't try, i will never know if i can have it", I decided to go for it. And you know what, i failed. But amazingly no regret, no regret like "oh man, why do i have to do it in the first place?", of course i was upset, but i had no regret, at least I've done the best to get it, at least I've tried, at least i don't die wondering about the answer. Though the answer was not good, but I felt revealed that i finally knew the answer.
♥ Cherish every little moments that happen in your life. This year I learned to cherish every little things that happen around me, every cares from people around me, every loves people give me. I used to be careless and inattentive person, but this year i learned to be more caring, more warm, give more attention to other people around me instead of focusing on myself. Balancing between your family time, best friend time, working time, and the-me-time.
♥ Don't worry about the people who hate you, worry about the people who love you. Can't more agree to this quote. I felt so bad when i realized I spent more time on people who hate me then I ignore the people who love me. Like, how rude i am to ignore the people who love me just because i was focusing on people who hate me.

I'd say that this year is one of the best year in my life.
I loved, I got broken heart, I cried, I struggled, I made mistake, I suffered, I learned, I cherished, I grew up, I smiled, I laughed. 

Like everything happened in this year, I am grateful I survive this year and learned so many things. Now I am ready for more brighter year!

Giving

Setiap kali gw pulang dari Puri Mall, gw selalu lihat ada bapak bersama 2 anaknya di jalanan depan Puri Mall. Mereka duduk di pinggir jalan, dengan gerobak di samping mereka. Mungkin Bapak itu pekerjaannya pemulung sampah. Setiap kali lewat, gw selalu berkata dalam hati "yah mall uda tutup, gw gak punya makanan buat dikasih, nanti besok-besok kalau ke sini lagi, gw beli makanan untuk mereka" dan setiap kali gw datang lagi, gw pun selalu lupa untuk beli makanan. Dan setiap kali gw lupa, gw merasa bersalah, tapi ya udah sampe situ doang, rasa bersalah hilang, lalu gw pun lupa.

Sampai pada tanggal 24 Desember, gw dan teman-teman keliling Jakarta Barat dan sekitarnya untuk bagi makanan ke anak jalanan, gw teringat lagi si bapak dan 2 anaknya di depan Puri Mall itu. Dari rencana kami, daerah Puri gak masuk dalam daftar tempat yang akan dikunjungi, karena di situ termasuk daerah elit dan tidak ada anak jalanan. Gw di dalam hati gelisah, karena selain gak masuk daftar, Puri Mall itu jauh dari tempat-tempat yang akan dikunjungi, otomatis akan memakan waktu untuk ke sana. Setelah menimbang-nimbang, pikir-pikir, akhirnya gw putuskan untuk bilang ke teman-teman, gw kepengen banget ke daerah depan Puri Mall. Dan mereka setuju. Yay! Sambil berharap semoga bapak itu ada di depan Puri Mall. Ketika sampai sana, ternyata dia ada! bersama 2 anaknya. Senang bukan main.

I felt like I'm doing the right thing. And felt so glad to have a chance to give them something. Like you did something that can make someone happy, you saw their happy face, just a "makasih" can make you feel so good, you felt something in your heart. You know, true that it is happier to give than to receive, like Jesus said.

Rejection

Have you heard about writing therapy? yes, research said writing one's feelings gradually eases feelings of emotional trauma. so here's some random words in my mind.

something that makes you feel worthless. Like, no matter what you do, it will never impress them. It’s like, the others who are after you are insignificant, because the only one you want, doesn’t want you back.

You start questioning things. You start questioning yourself. What else are you supposed to do to earn their love? What did those sweet words even mean? That it was mutual, that they were not only happy, but ecstatic, when they’re with you? Did those even mean anything at all?

Rejection sucks, you can’t even pretend that it doesn’t hurt you. But it makes you realize who matters, and who doesn’t; Who truly deserves you, and who doesn’t. Over time, you will realize that it’s no one’s fault and you’re completely okay with it. Because you know this is just a phase you have to go through before finally meeting “The (Right) One” for you.

Wants and Needs

When God brought back my past, suddenly my boss played Maliq & D'essentials' song at office at 6 pm. It reminded me of my past. It was like He was telling me something via that song. Here is the song's lyric...

Mata Hati Telinga

Satu cerita tentang manusia
Coba ‘tuk memahami arti cinta
Benarkah cinta diatas segalanya
Hanyakah itu satu-satunya

Yang menjadi alasan untuk menutup mata
Tak melihat dunia yang sesungguhnya
Dan menjadi jawaban atas semua tanya
Yang kita harap mampu mewujudkan sebuah akhir bahagia

Reff:
Buka mata hati telinga
Sesungguhnya masih ada yang lebih penting dari sekedar kata cinta ooo..
Yang kau inginkan tak selalu
Yang kau butuhkan mungkin memang yang paling penting
Cobalah untuk membuka mata hati telinga

Adakah kau rasakan kadang hati dan fikiran
Tak selalu sejalan seperti yang kau harapkan
Tuhan tolong tunjukkan apa yang ‘kan datang
Hikmah dari semua misteri yang tak terpecahkan

Reason, Season, Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON,
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty;
to provide you with guidance and support;
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually.
They may seem like a godsend, and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time,
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON,
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it. It is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons;
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person,
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

— Unknown

 

Happiness

"Bahagia itu sederhana. Bahagia itu sesederhana tidur cukup, makan cukup, dikelilingi orang yang kita sayangi, dan dapat melakukan hal yang kita senangi."

Gw rasa dari definisi bahagia itu, gw seharusnya bahagia. Tidur gw cukup, walaupun kadang susah untuk tidur. Makan gw cukup, bahkan sangat cukup. Gw dikelilingi orang-orang yang gw sayangi, papa, mama, adik, saudara dan teman. Gw bisa melakukan hal-hal yang gw senangi, baca, browsing, jalan-jalan, belanja, makan. Jadi seharusnya gw bahagia dengan segala yang ada di tangan gw, dengan segala fasilitas yang ada di sekeliling gw, dengan apa yang Tuhan uda berikan selama ini ke keluarga gw 

Tapi gw merasa kurang bahagia.
Sampai akhirnya gw sadar apa yang membuat gw merasa kurang bahagia.
Sampai akhirnya gw ketemu sama temen-temen gw dan bertukar banyak cerita.
Sampai akhirnya gw sadar, gw kurang bahagia karena gw kurang bersyukur.

Dulu, gw berpikir, "apaan sih orang bilang bersyukur, bersyukur, bersyukur melulu, emang bersyukur bisa bikin kita lebih baik apa? kita tuh harus jadi orang yang ga gampang puas, kalo ga gimana bisa maju lah, gampang puas mulu".

Sampai akhirnya saat itu gw benar-benar tersentak dan seperti ditegur, dan benar-benar merasa bersyukur yang sesungguhnya. Malam itu, setelah mendengar cerita temen gw, gw benar-benar merasa bersyukur yang sesungguhnya. Rasa yang hebat, pikiran gw melayang ke potongan-potongan ingatan kasih Tuhan dan perlindungan Tuhan di hidup gw.

"bagaimana keluarga gw diselamatkan dari kerusuhan Ambon tahun 1999, meski rumah kami ludes dibakar, dan itu rumah kedua kami yang terbakar (sebelumnya pada saat gw masi bayi), kemudian perlahan pulih, dan bisa hidup di Jakarta sampai sekarang"

"bagaimana Tuhan beri keluarga yang harmonis, dididik dengan lembut namun tegas, sehingga gw jadi seperti gw sekarang."

"bagaimana kalo bukan karena didikan orang tua gw yang cukup keras, mungkin gw udah ikutan hancur-hancuran seperti teman-teman gw"

"bagaimana Tuhan beri gw, mama yang bisa masak SUPER ENAK. You should try her steak, spaghetti, i fu mie, corn soup, nasi kuning, nasi uduk, soto ayam, rawon, ikan bakar, oxtail soup, macaroni schotel, lasagna, egg tart, homemade bread, bakpao, chiffon cake andddd so on"

"bagaimana Tuhan beri gw, papa yang SUPER BAIK, yang akhirnya disenangi semua orang, dan gw mau belajar jadi orang seperti papa gw"

"bagaimana gw masih bisa liburan ke luar negeri"

"bagaimana Tuhan perlahan memulihkan hati gw pasca putus dengan mantan yang udah pacaran 6 tahun"

"bagaimana Tuhan kasi teman-teman yang tepat di hidup gw, dari yang buruk sampai yang paling baik, tidak lain supaya gw belajar dari mereka"

"bagaimana Tuhan kasi penjelasan-penjelasan tentang semua hal yang tadinya gw ga ngerti"

"bagaimana gw bisa dengan rutin belanja baju tiap bulan untuk memenuhi kepuasan gw"

"bagaimana Tuhan sayang banget sama gw, gw masih diingetin tentang bersyukur"


kalau gw boleh ralat quote di atas:

"Bahagia itu sederhana. 

Bahagia sesederhana tidur cukup, 

makan cukup, 

 dikelilingi orang yang kita sayangi, 

dapat melakukan hal yang kita senangi. dan

b e r s y u k u r  " 

Why Can't I

I used to have blackberry and always brought it wherever I go. Now I have iPhone as my cellphone. Although it was hard to decide to change my blackberry, finally i can replace my old blackberry with iPhone. I can easily replace blackberry with iPhone, because they are things. Things are easily replaced. Because they are just only things.

Yes, we can easily replace a thing with another thing, but i don't think we can do the same to people. I just can't replace people that easy like i did to my old blackberry. Especially the one that used to be special person in your life, the one that used to be in your life, the one that always was there for you, the one that made you smile, the one that meant a lot for you, the one that you've planned future with, the one that has been with your for six years. I just can't, while he can do that easily. It's sad to know that you are replaced that easy with another girl. It hurts to know the truth that i have been replaced. It's sad to find out that he did that to me.

And now i am busy pushing myself to move on, to let go and to forgive him. While my brain and heart are questioning "why can he do that easily, replace me with another person?" and "why can't I?".